Warning: wine wankers ahead!

Michael Punton
By Michael Punton
6 months ago
3 min read

They could be sitting next to you on the train. Walking by you in the park. Your best friend could be one. Your wife. Your husband. Even your significant other. You could be one and not even know it. The dreaded wine wanker is hard to spot and they’re all around us. 

In fact, there’s probably one near you right now. But in the immortal words of our supreme, Tay-tay: ‘You need to calm down.’ 

Wine wankery isn’t our jam. We don’t roll like that. So we’ve got you covered. The trick is to listen. 

So if someone says any of the following statements to you, run—don’t walk—very fast in the opposite direction.

‘The higher the alcohol content, the better the wine.’

Some d-bag drinkers only throw back wine with at least 15% alcohol content because they think it’s a superior product. Well that’s simply not true. 

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‘I only drink wines that have a cork.’

Why are you talking to this person? Fact: cork doesn't equal quality. But don’t take our word for it

‘I only drink le French wine. Oui Oui.’

No no. Let’s be real: New Zealand make some of the best savvy b on the planet and no one does a chardy quite like us. It’s even referenced quite regularly in podcast royalty – My Dad Wrote a Porno. If you haven’t tuned in yet, grab a bottle and get listening.

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‘I save the cheap wine for cooking.’

There are two things wrong with this statement. You can get some fab drops on the cheap and many-a-great chefs have said you should never cook with wine you wouldn’t drink.

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‘I don’t drink wine from a can.’

Snob! Don’t judge a wine by its prison. We all know, Squealing Pig, can pour a fab wine. But something you might not know is their sweet, sweet God-like nectar now comes in can form. Don’t walk. Run. And get a spritzed rosé tinny in ya.

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‘Shouldn’t that go in a red wine glass?’

Shan’t. Any particulars when it comes to stemware and it’s a ‘hell no’ from us. Just pass us the bottle and a straw! In fact, anyone that says ‘stemware’ in normal conversation should be avoided.

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‘A good bottle should be at least $30.’

Nope. Not even close. Here are a bunch of wines you can score for a little more than a ten’er. 

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NOTE: if you’ve come into direct contact with a wine wanker, it may be too late and you’ve definitely already caught it. Luckily, there’s a cure