We’re not here to preach politics, mofos. We’re here to preach the delicious, delicious benefits of a community united by wine. Especially one united by the sweet nothings of a Pyrenees shiraz backed up by the delights of a French Bordeaux matched by the life of a zesty rizza. Like Barack Obama once said “wine is not the answer, but it sure makes a difference”. Or something like that.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Shiraz 2014
Each case includes one of the following:
RRP $50 | Pyrenees | 95pts Sam Kim | 94pts Tony Keys | 5 red star producer
Get a bit of ‘14 shirazzamatazz in your glass, mofos, coming straight from one of your favourite 5 red star producers. With bold, fruity flavours and a seriously strong personality, this shiraz is firmer than a father’s discipline and silkier than ya mum’s negligee. Who needs the Barossa when Victoria is churnin’ out top quality shiraz like this?
MOFO SECRET DEAL Cabernet Sauvignon 2013
RRP $25 | Coonawarra | 93pts Tony Keys | 93pts Wine Showcase | 3 x Gold Medals | 5 stars Wine Showcase
Duck and cover mofos, there’s a stash of highly valuable, highly addictive cabernet roaming the streets. Experts say Raymond Chan has identified the juice as “harmoniously melded” and Tony Keys, prime cabernet authority, has marked it with 93 points. If you’re predisposed to fall nose over palate for cassis, dark chocolate and succulent tannins, then watch out.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Shiraz 2013
RRP $25 | McLaren Vale | 94pts MVWS | 94pts RQWS | 92pts James Halliday | 90pts RMWS | 2 x Gold Medals | 5 red star producer
I know you’re a pinot disciple, but this is classic Vale shiraz – not to be missed: rich and generous with super-fresh plums, chocolates, spice and the like. I think you’ll actually love it for the tanniny twist at the finish. Save some for me (or else).
MOFO SECRET DEAL Bordeaux 2014
RRP $25 | Bordeaux | 95pts Decanter | Boutique Import
Well isn’t this just as chic as can be? A perfect concoction of vanilla, clove and violet. Plus a whole bunch of plummy, jammy flavours. This Bordeaux is guaranteed to impress even your most cultured of mates.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Pinot Noir 2014
RRP $55 | Yarra Valley | 90pts James Halliday
Pay attention mofos. This right here is 90 Halliday point pinot noir. Made of the juicy MV6 clone, whole bunch handpicked from three different vineyards and matured in French oak, it’s no surprise old mate Halliday is stoked on this.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Shiraz 2015
RRP $35 | McLaren Vale | 92pts Wine Showcase
The Vale is getting a lot of love lately, and this shiraz is case in point. The (unmentionably recognisable) producer has searched far and wide for the best SA expression of shiraz they could muster, and ended up in their backyard again.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Shiraz 2013
RRP $20 | 95pts RMWS | 2 x Gold Medals
Sourced from a well-known producer who operates under the radar, who shall remain anonymous for their protection. MEA operative agent Clark has uncovered that this contraband is highly desirable with a 95 point rating from the Royal Melbourne Wine Show and a confirmed allegation that the winemaker is one of the country’s best.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Sauvignon Blanc 2015
RRP $25 | New Zealand | 91pts Sam Kim
Dear Diary, today is another beautiful day of frolicking in St Barts. The sun is shining, vino flowing and my tan coming along better than Em Rata’s. The aromas of nectarine and green apple are just divine – and the occasional waft of feijoa and lime zest. With my eyes closed, I can feel the air whipping around my face, as we glide along on the superyacht… I can taste the tropical fruit juices; powerful, mouth-watering and perfectly acidic. When I open my eyes, I— ohhhh, damn it! Still in my backyard. Just another glass of the sauv blanc and I’ll be right back in my element...
MOFO SECRET DEAL Rosé 2016
RRP $35 | McLaren Vale | 90pts Wine Front | 90pts Tony Keys
This biodynamic stunner has been touched by the magic hands of an iconic Australian winemaker. The kinda guy our palates deserve. Someone who will seduce your palate with perfumed, pale pink, Provence style rosé – because we’re classy mofos.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Chardonnay 2014
RRP $30 | 94pts Wine Showcase | Gold Medal
Things that rhyme with chardy...hmm...lardy...tardy...hardy…Tom Hardy. Now there’s a saucy dish. Not my type, unfortunately, but still...such handsome. Then again, chardonnay isn’t my favourite drop but I love this Black Market offering. I’m so confused. Could Tom Hardy be my chardy? Or is chardy my Tom Hardy? Maybe one day I’ll make my own chardonnay. I’ll call it Hardonnay and send it to Tom with a note. “Dear Tom, I bottled you, but you still ain’t callin’.” Tom Hardy loves Eminem lyrics, right? Maybe not. But at least I’ll have a 5 red star bottle of chardy to drink while I wait for a reply.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Riesling 2015
RRP $22 | Clare Valley | 93pts Wine Showcase
The Clare Valley is the heartland of riesling, and this producer is absolutely kicking goals when it comes to zest and life and freshness and good times in a glass. Not to be missed, spilt or given away, mofos.
MOFO SECRET DEAL Pinot Gris 2016
RRP $25 | Marlborough | 17/20 Raymond Chan | 5 stars Wine Orbit | Gold Medal
Sam Kim is also getting around the high life, drinking this vino and saying: “Fragrant aromas of ripe pear, nectarine, mandarin and rockmelon lead to a vibrant and juicy palate that is expressive and delectable. The wine is refreshing and pristine, with lovely fruit purity and balance, and offers excellent drinking.” Gris of this quality is how we should all aspire to live it up, and with a few bottles of this in the ice bucket I am right on track for good times.